By Chris McGonagle
"It's too bad the world is going to end in 2012..." -Abraham Lincoln
Just as the great Aztec Calendar predicted, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar before that, the race of humans will soon come to an end. Not in any predictable Armageddon or Ragnarok sense, it isn't that easy. Being bathed in fire or frozen to death is 'Child’s Play'; remember that part where Chucky got frozen? The lucky few humans who are smart enough to take their own pitiful lives before December 21 2012 will most certainly get to live their afterlives in peace, free of the horrors that await the rest of humanity. What are these 'horrors', you ask?
Dolphins. Known fairly globally as the oceans Vin Diesel, Dolphins are the most terrifying mammal, with the most terrifying chrome-dome. Remember the scene in 'Jurassic Park' when the Velociraptor sneaks up on the guy, and then violently maims him? Well imagine that, but in the ocean, and with Sonar. You won't be able to have a cool last few words('clever girl') as the dolphin would stun you using his Sonar Rays. Plus, you'd be in the water, and its hard to talk in the water.
Now what most people ask me at this point, when I read this essay aloud to them at random on the street, is "Why aren't you wearing any pants?". The second question they usually ask is "How can dolphins take over the world in 2012, they live in water, right?". That is 100% true, Dolphins live in the water. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of satellite imagery of Dolphin chemical weapons factories, and I know how smart they are. Dolphins are smarter than Humans. Sorry if I just lost a lot of you, but I'm gonna repeat that: Dolphins are smarter than Humans. We Humans have gone to the moon several times, sent probes to the farthest parts of our solar system. Dolphins certainly are not far behind us in technology. I think to myself at least once a day, while looking in the mirror at my imperfect human skin: "How in the name of Poseidon’s Trident Gum do Dolphins keep their skin so youthful?" I'm not accusing Flipper of plastic surgery. I'm accusing Flipper of finding a way to use human flesh to make himself young again. I'm accusing a different famous Dolphin of bathing in the blood of small seals to stay forever young. I'm accusing yet a third famous Dolphin of killing my child for sport. If only I knew enough famous Dolphins to fill in the last paragraph, it would be a much more exciting read, and I could find my son's killer.
Dolphins have obviously created some sort of psychic device to implant in their body to communicate with the other members of their school (Members of a school all getting along? Not in MY America). I assume the Grey Coats acquired this technology from Atlantis, and are trying to keep it under-wraps until the moment to strike. But just think of the amount the 'Phins know about us. They can psychically extract anything they want from all the corpses down there. Let's think about how dangerous this is: Osama Bin Laden's brain is down there somewhere. Dolphins extract all the information they can from Americas greatest threat, and now they know how human politics can work and how governments can be exploited and how to set up C4. With the amount of accumulated knowledge from the bodies we all know are down there, the D-words will infiltrate our lives. A Dolphin will be elected to the Kremlin and then Human will eliminate Human in a nuclear war scenario.
