It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fin

By Chris McGonagle

"It's too bad the world is going to end in 2012..." -Abraham Lincoln

     Just as the great Aztec Calendar predicted, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar before that, the race of humans will soon come to an end. Not in any predictable Armageddon or Ragnarok sense, it isn't that easy. Being bathed in fire or frozen to death is 'Child’s Play'; remember that part where Chucky got frozen? The lucky few humans who are smart enough to take their own pitiful lives before December 21 2012 will most certainly get to live their afterlives in peace, free of the horrors that await the rest of humanity. What are these 'horrors', you ask?

     Dolphins. Known fairly globally as the oceans Vin Diesel, Dolphins are the most terrifying mammal, with the most terrifying chrome-dome. Remember the scene in 'Jurassic Park' when the Velociraptor sneaks up on the guy, and then violently maims him? Well imagine that, but in the ocean, and with Sonar. You won't be able to have a cool last few words('clever girl') as the dolphin would stun you using his Sonar Rays. Plus, you'd be in the water, and its hard to talk in the water.

     Now what most people ask me at this point, when I read this essay aloud to them at random on the street, is "Why aren't you wearing any pants?". The second question they usually ask is "How can dolphins take over the world in 2012, they live in water, right?". That is 100% true, Dolphins live in the water. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of satellite imagery of Dolphin chemical weapons factories, and I know how smart they are. Dolphins are smarter than Humans. Sorry if I just lost a lot of you, but I'm gonna repeat that: Dolphins are smarter than Humans. We Humans have gone to the moon several times, sent probes to the farthest parts of our solar system. Dolphins certainly are not far behind us in technology.

     I think to myself at least once a day, while looking in the mirror at my imperfect human skin: "How in the name of Poseidon’s Trident Gum do Dolphins keep their skin so youthful?" I'm not accusing Flipper of plastic surgery. I'm accusing Flipper of finding a way to use human flesh to make himself young again. I'm accusing a different famous Dolphin of bathing in the blood of small seals to stay forever young. I'm accusing yet a third famous Dolphin of killing my child for sport. If only I knew enough famous Dolphins to fill in the last paragraph, it would be a much more exciting read, and I could find my son's killer.

     Dolphins have obviously created some sort of psychic device to implant in their body to communicate with the other members of their school (Members of a school all getting along? Not in MY America). I assume the Grey Coats acquired this technology from Atlantis, and are trying to keep it under-wraps until the moment to strike. But just think of the amount the 'Phins know about us. They can psychically extract anything they want from all the corpses down there. Let's think about how dangerous this is: Osama Bin Laden's brain is down there somewhere. Dolphins extract all the information they can from Americas greatest threat, and now they know how human politics can work and how governments can be exploited and how to set up C4. With the amount of accumulated knowledge from the bodies we all know are down there, the D-words will infiltrate our lives. A Dolphin will be elected to the Kremlin and then Human will eliminate Human in a nuclear war scenario.

     But that may not be it, that may not be how the guillotine falls on the human race's collective neck. Dolphins have been slowly whittling down the human races dams over the past 30 years. They have covered the polar ice caps with gasoline and thrown a cigarette at it. They are just waiting for the water level to rise, and Human civilization to fall. Imagine Kevin Costner diving from boat to boat fighting pirates on the open sea. Sound like Waterworld? Nope, its real fucking life, once those Dolphins learn how to ride jet skis and wear eye patches. Good luck KevCost.

     And that cute little giggling-laugh noise they make? What about how they are always smiling? And they have such good relations with Humans, nothing would suggest mutiny, right? Its cute, they are smiling and laughing and lulling us into a false sense of friendship. Know who also had a cute giggling-laughing noise and smiled a lot? Adolf Hitler. And we all know what happened with that friendship. Like the old saying goes, “you cant spell Adolf without A-Dolf-in!”.

     Dolphies don't fully sleep. From what we know, they sleep one half of their brain at a time, so they are constantly aware, and able to avoid predators. The only other life form on Earth thats brain functions like that is a Tornado. The Dolphos are never going to be unprepared, even if we survive their initial attack. They will be prepared for counter-attacks at all times, and at some point we're going to need to sleep. And when we do, guess who's going to be there, half awake, to fly a UFO over us and kill us all. That's right, you heard it here first: Aliens do not exist, UFOs are Dolphins. The supposed abductees? Those crazy animal rights activists have finally found a way to throw us off their greatest animal partnership yet. This misinformation campaign ends now! Crop circles are just messages in the Sonar language dolphins understand. I don't mean to overload the reader of this, you, my main man, with too much information at once. I know, this seems so hard to corroborate.

     But I assure you, this threat is realer than Real Player, which is one of the realest fucking things on the planet. I don't want to sound like there is no escape from our doomsday though, even though it's pretty much at our doorsteps (I live by the beach!). There are some preparations you can take to survive the eventual testing of our water skills: 3 simple things.

     First, you need to go out and buy a weapon. A good Doffin killing weapon typically has a long range, as you will not last very long within 8 feet of a bottle-of-blood-nosed Dolphin. I prefer to use remote controlled boats with C4 attached, as i can control it, and make it so they can't get within the deadly 8 foot distance. I have had to use this once in combat, and it was successful. A few minor side effects of the explosion resulted in me losing my leg in the Great Dolphin Battle of 1992.

     Second, you need to buy a boat. Preferably a large super-villain-like yacht, so you can live comfortably once the waves come. Which, as we've discussed in private a few times, are def coming.

     Third, you need to pray to whatever voodoo god in the sky you believe in. Much like that awesome scene from Black Swan, they're coming, and there is nothing that any psychological disorder can do about it. I have been calling Jessica Alba for years trying to learn as much as I could about her interactions with Flipper the Bloody, but unfortunately she has not called me back. I am as ready as I can be, but I need others to be ready with me.

     There are a few other things I can't get into that could help to assuage your doubts. Files about Lee Harvey Oswald being a Dolphin. Pictures of Stalin, Napoleon, and Saddam Hussein shaking fins with Dolphins. Reports of Dolphins supplying weapons to Americas enemies. And I wish I could tell you about the adventures of Ecco...

     Where will you be on D-Day? I'll be there to protect my home, my freedom, my loved ones, and my collection of inflatable beach balls. I'll be on the beach ready to take down the first wave of invaders. Whether they invade by UFO, flooding, or mechanical legs, I will be there to stop them. The most asshole mammal of all, they should not even be considered mammals. Mammals know how to love. I'll be there to protect all I love, on December 21, 2012. For my son.

Tuna is for pussies.