The following takes place between 3 am, and 3-something am...

    I am a man. As one of the unfairerer sex, I love things that go boom. As one of the paranoid delusional, I love things that teach me not to trust anyone. As an idiot, I love politics, but hate all the diplomacy that goes along with it. If only there was something to tie my manly loves of guns and hacksaws with my secret loves of betrayal and pushing the limit. Well that something exists, and it is possibly the most important two letter combo anyone will ever encounter: 24!
    I began watching the television show 24 during the second season, which aired while I was in high school. I fell out of watching a lot of the series, as the story tended to get more unbelievable and crazy as it went on. Now I don't know when it happened, but at some point in recent years I vastly opened up my mind towards different things. I never would have enjoyed half the music or movies I do today, if this were the Chris McGonagle of '05. But after recent boredom searches through the Netflix Instant Queue, I have suddenly become reobsessed in the adrenaline filled monster known as Jack Bauer.

     Now for those reading this who have never heard of this show, it was about a government agent who has to defend the good ole US from terrorist attacks. Every episode represents an hour in real time, and each season is one day of his life. I know what most people ask themselves at this point: "Wait, so how long could this go on? I mean... how many days could a person save America from terrorists?". The answer is 8, a government agent can save America 8 times... before people stop caring. But this isn't some gimmick, it would be ridiculous if terrorists attacked the USA 8 times and one government agent is solely responsible for stopping them.
    In a non-gimmicky fashion, the terrorists attack 'Murica 8 times, and most of those times also target Jack Bauers loved ones specifically. Its bad enough the free worlds safety falls onto one mans shoulders. But when that one mans shoulders are also the shoulders of a man searching for his kidnapped daughter or dognapped dog, the pressure is almost too much to bear. As if there wasn't enough raw emotion in a man whose family is being torn apart due to terrorism, there is the added emotion of not having any idea where the story is going. Oh, so this episode you find out that the terrorists are attacking the President? Well don't get too excited, in 3 episodes you will find out that the terrorists were actually good guys trying to stop the attack, and that the president was a cardboard cutout the whole time.
    The show is entirely about flying by the seat of your pants. The amount of crazy things that happen in one season make you rethink the way you are living your life. I will never forget the part in the second season where Jack executes a prisoner to find the bomb. Oh wait, maybe I will forget, because he has killed so many innocents in worse ways that it seems almost normal when he kills a bad guy, even in cold blood. "Jack, you can't interrogate someone in the Whitehouse!". Thats a line from the show. I know, I couldn't believe it when I heard it. But what do you know? An episode later Jack is beating the shit out of someone in the same house Clinton was putting his shit into someone(Not at the same time, unfortunately). The amount of times I've heard the main character say "I only take orders from the president" makes me almost wish I could say that. Isn't there a theory that if you say and think the same thing enough times, it will happen? Well, then I'm gonna keep repeating that until I don't have to take orders from anyone but Uncle Sam himself.
    One of my least and most favorite elements of the show is the secondary characters. After 8 years on the air, the show has had some pretty cool secondary characters, and some cool actors. Freddie Prinze Jr., Jeneane Garofalo, Mary Lynn Rajskub all had pretty significant roles in certain seasons of the show. Now, I love alot of the cast, but with the writing of the show... Ill just say this. Each episode focuses on roughly 5 characters. And every season, without fail, one or more of the different characters stories is like watching terrorists watch paint dry. In the first season - or for that matter, in every season that she is present- Jacks daughter is that story line. Whether watching her sneak out of the house, or watching her babysitting issues, I can guarantee you one thing... you will be wondering why those F story lines are even allowed in this beautiful action filled beast.


    By far the most awesome element of the show is how it makes me not ever trust anybody ever. The show intensified the amount of deceit as it progressed too. In the first season there are maybe 1 or 2 people who completely betray everyone they know and love to help the ter'sts. In the later seasons, I have seen plenty of high ranking government officials betray their country, as well as many other less powerful people. I know now what to look for in liars in real life. First off, it is always somebody who has the least reason to be a traitor. What's that, coworker/friend since 6th grade? Youre gonna cover me? Are you? Or are you really going to shoot me in the back and go back to your Russian family? Exactamundo. The second way to pick out a traitor is by the music that plays when you see them. I don't know about you, but exciting musical cues play in my head when i see others. The one that plays when I see someone that I do not trust is similar to the theme that plays for most double agents on 24. Doo doo doodoodoo dun dun. Exactly like that, note for note. If those two hints aren't the dead giveaway, maybe the constant leaving to make cell phone calls is? I know you've been taking those Rosetta Stone lessons, but 5 minute conversations in Japanese? Hmmm. As for my final warning, watch out for the smile. You'll know the one I'm talking about. They make it right when they get off the phone with your enemy. They shift their eyes around a lot, and they say things that can be interpreted several different ways, but that fucking smile is the thing that gives it away. You've been warned.
        So what are the practical applications of all this? If I am ever in LA, I will immediately assume my life is in danger. I also refuse to become friendly with anyone who I believe I will end up getting killed. This is everyone, as one of the other things I've learned is that anyone I ask for help(or vice versa) will be dead within the day. Much like Justin Bieber, I have also learned Never Say Never... 3D. When you are being tortured, and die several times during the process, most would give up. But I know I need to unrealistically get off that table and kill everyone, no matter how many times they threaten to kill my fam.

3:27:58 (beep)
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Selling out to the Mad Man?

    I want to open up my own ad agency. Well wait, maybe I should start a little before that. I, like most people in the Americas, love watching TV. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit in front of the TV all day watching cable, I don't even have cable. I watch shows on DVD(or sometimes online). There are a few that I have become obsessed with, such as Breaking Bad, Children's Hospital, and most recently, Mad Men. Now, I had watched a few episodes before but didn't fully get into it... but I just finished season one, and I am fully into it.

    On top of making me want to start smoking cigarettes, it has done a few other things for me: mainly making me to want to have sex, wear a suit, and open up my own ad agency. I have decided to give up on my current goals of writing, so that I can be the next Donny Drapes(as we in the business like to call him). I have a few business savvy friends with sales experience, we just need to get the companies coming to us. So I am going to use this as a forum to show how good an ad person I am, and pitch some ideas to companies that I think could use some direction.

     Verizon I hope can admit to themselves that all of their ads suck. They need a hot, powerful new spokesperson instead of that stupid "hear me now?" guy, who doesn't even say that anymore. He just creepily stares now, its really bad for business. I think someone who was well known a bit ago, but hasn't been in much lately could be the spokesperson. Perfect candidate: Ghost Billy Mays. Or maybe non-ghost Edward James Olmos. Someone who can get the point across, and makes you believe that Verizon is for them. Eddie Olmos did a great job making the cast of Battlestar Galactica think they were going to make it to Earth, and would do an equally awesome job making the cast of the world think they were going to get reception anywhere on Earth. And maybe a new catchphrase: Verizon, get your ve-rize-on?

     Portal 2, the video game... you need to reach out more to what would be your target audience. People on some kind of drug. Whether it be intolerable amounts of Mountain Dew contained Caffeine, or intolerable amounts of Marijuana contained THC- Any ads need to have pictures of things that go well to the hazy minded percentage that will play the game. I'm thinking lots of colors, maybe shapes of food items subtly in the picture. Maybe have some mind-blowing line that will make people be like "I need this!". Something like "The Portal 2 your mind and soul". By this point, you would probably need security guards at any store selling the game. I'm sure many people in a drug induced rage(reefer madness or the caffeine crazies?) would trample others, and attack them so they can get to this portal into their mind and soul.

     Dennis Quaid! That's right mother fucker, you can even be saved by my well thought out ad campaigns. I realize that you haven't been in a single good movie since 2000. But at points in your career, you were in some amazing films. We need to highlight this, and then get your old ass to get into a good movie. Perfect movies to bring up in your career: Films such as Traffic, The Parent Trap and Jaws 3. It shows how wide your acting spectrum can be. Now, you never ever want to mention things like Day After Tommorow, Pandorum, or Vantage Point. You need to do something good, one powerful movie. With all the superhero movies coming out, I think you'd be great as one of the bad guys in one of the new ones. Maybe Mr. Freeze in one of the new Batman movies that I'm sure will come after The Dark Knight Rises. This way, you can play on the fact that people hate you (generally) in movies, so they will have a reason for once. Stop being the good guy. Maybe we could release pictures of you dressed up as inevitable super-villains, so you'll already have a leg up. Sabertooth in Xmen: Second Class? I can see the exaggerated sideburns now.

     I hope any potential clients will consider me to write out an ad campaign for them. I will take any client on as long as I don't hate you, therefore Portal 2 is the only eligible client from this article. I can smoke so many cigarettes with you, and I will wear a suit, and I will attempt to seduce you. Those are 3 things I can assure you. That should show you how dedicated I am, the classic Chris McGonagle promise.

Note- Blog name may change as I may or may not change my name for the ad business