On top of making me want to start smoking cigarettes, it has done a few other things for me: mainly making me to want to have sex, wear a suit, and open up my own ad agency. I have decided to give up on my current goals of writing, so that I can be the next Donny Drapes(as we in the business like to call him). I have a few business savvy friends with sales experience, we just need to get the companies coming to us. So I am going to use this as a forum to show how good an ad person I am, and pitch some ideas to companies that I think could use some direction.
Verizon I hope can admit to themselves that all of their ads suck. They need a hot, powerful new spokesperson instead of that stupid "hear me now?" guy, who doesn't even say that anymore. He just creepily stares now, its really bad for business. I think someone who was well known a bit ago, but hasn't been in much lately could be the spokesperson. Perfect candidate: Ghost Billy Mays. Or maybe non-ghost Edward James Olmos. Someone who can get the point across, and makes you believe that Verizon is for them. Eddie Olmos did a great job making the cast of Battlestar Galactica think they were going to make it to Earth, and would do an equally awesome job making the cast of the world think they were going to get reception anywhere on Earth. And maybe a new catchphrase: Verizon, get your ve-rize-on?
Portal 2, the video game... you need to reach out more to what would be your target audience. People on some kind of drug. Whether it be intolerable amounts of Mountain Dew contained Caffeine, or intolerable amounts of Marijuana contained THC- Any ads need to have pictures of things that go well to the hazy minded percentage that will play the game. I'm thinking lots of colors, maybe shapes of food items subtly in the picture. Maybe have some mind-blowing line that will make people be like "I need this!". Something like "The Portal 2 your mind and soul". By this point, you would probably need security guards at any store selling the game. I'm sure many people in a drug induced rage(reefer madness or the caffeine crazies?) would trample others, and attack them so they can get to this portal into their mind and soul.
Dennis Quaid! That's right mother fucker, you can even be saved by my well thought out ad campaigns. I realize that you haven't been in a single good movie since 2000. But at points in your career, you were in some amazing films. We need to highlight this, and then get your old ass to get into a good movie. Perfect movies to bring up in your career: Films such as Traffic, The Parent Trap and Jaws 3. It shows how wide your acting spectrum can be. Now, you never ever want to mention things like Day After Tommorow, Pandorum, or Vantage Point. You need to do something good, one powerful movie. With all the superhero movies coming out, I think you'd be great as one of the bad guys in one of the new ones. Maybe Mr. Freeze in one of the new Batman movies that I'm sure will come after The Dark Knight Rises. This way, you can play on the fact that people hate you (generally) in movies, so they will have a reason for once. Stop being the good guy. Maybe we could release pictures of you dressed up as inevitable super-villains, so you'll already have a leg up. Sabertooth in Xmen: Second Class? I can see the exaggerated sideburns now.
I hope any potential clients will consider me to write out an ad campaign for them. I will take any client on as long as I don't hate you, therefore Portal 2 is the only eligible client from this article. I can smoke so many cigarettes with you, and I will wear a suit, and I will attempt to seduce you. Those are 3 things I can assure you. That should show you how dedicated I am, the classic Chris McGonagle promise.
Note- Blog name may change as I may or may not change my name for the ad business
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